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Episode Summary:
In this episode, I open up about my experience as part of a blended family and the challenges I’ve faced within the church community. I share my discomfort with the term “broken family” and emphasize the potential for redemption and wholeness, even in non-traditional family structures. I call for the church to be more aware and accommodating of diverse family dynamics, providing space and validation for those who don’t fit the traditional mold. As a traditional family, you may have certain privileges, and I encourage you to use your voice and seat at the table to ensure that everyone feels welcome and valued. For those in non-traditional families, know that you are seen, heard, and valid. I invite both traditional and non-traditional families to join the conversation and share their thoughts and experiences, as we work together to create a more inclusive and supportive environment within the church.
Key Points with Timestamps:
Blended Family Experience and Terminology 0:00:00 Rachel introduces the podcast and her background as part of a blended family. 0:03:00 Rachel discusses her discomfort with the term “broken family” and the importance of finding redemption and wholeness.
Challenges of Non-Traditional Families in the Church 0:06:00 Rachel shares the difficulty of feeling isolated and othered in church groups primarily for traditional families. 0:08:00 Rachel calls for the church to be more aware and accommodating of non-traditional families.
The Importance of Community and Fellowship 0:10:00 Rachel shares her positive experience with her church, Mile City, and its emphasis on inclusivity. 0:11:00 Rachel encourages traditional families to be more inclusive and welcoming of non-traditional families.
Privilege and Awareness in Traditional Families 0:13:00 Rachel addresses the concept of privilege within traditional families and the need to use that privilege to create inclusive spaces.
Encouragement for Non-Traditional Families 0:15:00 Rachel reassures non-traditional families that they are seen, heard, and valid within the church. 0:16:00 Rachel suggests the creation of groups for non-traditional families to foster community and support.
Call to Action for Both Traditional and Non-Traditional Families 0:17:00 Rachel invites feedback and ideas from both traditional and non-traditional families to improve inclusivity.
Mentioned Links:
Rachel Grit’s Website https://rachelgrit.com/
Instagram: http:/instagram.com/rachelgrit
Tiktok: http://tiktok.com/@rachel.grit
Youtube: http://youtube.com/@rachelgrit
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Supporting Verses:
“For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.” (Romans 12:4-5, ESV)
This verse supports the idea of the church as a diverse body, where each member has a unique role to play, and the importance of embracing that diversity.
Action Steps:
- Reach out to others in your church community who are part of non-traditional families and have an open conversation about creating a support group or fellowship opportunity.
- As a member of a traditional family, make a conscious effort to include and validate non-traditional families in church conversations and activities. Ask questions, listen, and find ways to make them feel welcomed.
- If you are part of a non-traditional family, continue to engage with your church community and seek out opportunities to connect with others in similar situations. Your presence and participation can help foster greater inclusivity.
Topics Covered:
Blended Families
Non-Traditional Families
Church Inclusivity
Family Dynamics
Community and Fellowship
Transcript
0:00
Hello and welcome back to the True Grit podcast, where we are seeking, finding and living abundant life. This podcast is for you. If you’re exhausted by the noise of the world and the chaos in your life and in your brain, and you’re wanting to get authentically and sustainably closer to Jesus while cutting down that chaos in your life.
0:17
I am your host, Rachel Grit. I am an 88 year wife to my best friend, a mother of three, a multi passionate business owner, a stepmom, a co parent, a writer, and most importantly, I was a lost sheep. Jesus left the 99 to find me, and now I invite you to seek, find and live the abundant life our Redeemer promises with me, whether you are carting kids around, you’re curled up with a mug of something delicious. You’re dashing in between meetings or folding mountains of laundry,
0:43
you are welcome here. Let’s dig in together today. I want to talk about being a blended family and being in the church and my experience with it. I am part of a blended family. I have one biological child. I’ve got two wonderful step kiddos. And while it is a really beautiful experience. It can also be really isolating. I actually made a Tiktok yesterday where I kind of talked about some of my thoughts on being a blended family, specifically in the church. And so whether you are part of a blended family, whether you are part of a traditional family, or whether just your version of motherhood, your experience of motherhood looks differently than you hoped. I hope that you can get something from this episode. First and foremost, I do want to be clear that God has a design for families. It’s very, very clear that God created families to have mom and dad in the same house with the kiddos and a family. I mean, God created it a certain way. It’s supposed to look a certain way. It functions best a certain way, and when things go according to God’s design, obviously it’s better than the man made versions of things or the man made patterns and setups of things. So God did very much intend for family to be mom and dad and kids all together under the same roof. However, we live in a fallen world. And unfortunately, that means that sin is part of the equation and imperfection is part of the equation. And when you’re dealing with imperfect, fallen humans, broken families, I use, I’m using air quotes around broken families, because I actually kind of resent that term, honestly, but families that are not all together under the same roof. You know, even you can lump in here, you know, military families, where one parent or both parents are gone for extended periods of time and not all under the same roof. So that is what I’m talking about here, families who do not get to experience what God intended in terms of family dynamics with mom and dad and kids under the same roof. And just a quick note on the term broken families, I know that that’s kind of the standard cultural term that we use to describe families where mom and dad are not together anymore, but I do want to challenge that, because words are powerful. And at the end of the day, our farmland world means we live in a broken world. But calling things out as broken isn’t always the most productive thing to do, and at least for me, in my experience, I don’t like referring to my family as broken because that is an end, right? If something is broken and that’s its current state, it’s still broken. It’s still not ideal. It’s still non functioning in many cases, and especially when we allow God into the equation, even families that are by cultures definition, broken families can be made whole and can find a new version of Beauty and can be redeemed. And that I am very, very fortunate to say, is very much the case in my family. So my son’s father and I separated when he was about four months old. I’m not going to talk too much about the details of that. All I will say is that it was a very surprising thing for me. I did not see it coming, and it was a very, a very difficult and brutal process for both of us. He and I have talked about the divorce. We’ve talked about our marriage. Unfortunately, it’s been a very, very long process, but we are on good terms. His wife is wonderful. My son has an incredible step mom, and we’ve been able to find harmony between our two families. And so if I just allowed the term broken family to apply to my situation, it just it doesn’t apply. It’s not the whole story. And there is so much redemption that has happened, and even if we didn’t have a great relationship, if my co parenting situation was tough, which it was tough for a long time. And I’ve heard from many, many other divorced and separated people that the first couple years especially are very difficult, but eventually, hopefully, and in many cases. This, people will find kind of a new normal, where they can put the kids first, where they can seek harmony, where they can create a new sense of family, whatever that means. And kids are listening. We know this. Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for. They take in way more than we give them credit for. And so when we call our family a broken family. Kiddos are listening, and ultimately they are the go between, between the two families. And so calling a family that has split into two, a broken family just that paints a picture for them that I just personally do not want to paint for my child. I don’t want my child in any way, shape or form, my biological child or my step kiddos. I don’t want any of my children for even a split second thinking that they are broken. And so I would like to challenge you, if broken family is a term that you use, try to find a different word. I’m still working on exactly what term I want to use, but I’ve also come to realize that I really don’t owe anyone an explanation of my situation. If people have questions, they can respectfully ask. It is not up to me to make sure everyone has a complete handle on the dynamic when I’m talking about my family, so I will simply refer to my ex as my kids dad. And if people have questions about that, then they can ask. I will refer to my kiddos stepmom as his bonus mom, or his other mom, or even just mommy her name, because that’s what we call her in our house, and that has been an important mindset shift for me, just realizing that I do not have to provide everyone an explanation of my dynamic before they even ask. So if that’s something you find yourself doing, kind of trying to explain to people what the situation is, how you’re related, what the dynamic is, give yourself a break. You do not have to do that. You don’t owe people all the information up front, especially when they haven’t even asked. And if they want to know, they can ask, and then that can be an open dialog for a future conversation. But take some of the pressure off of yourself. If this is something that you’re doing, which I had been doing for a very long time, I would want to explain. Okay, this is my son’s dad. We were married now he’s going to someone else. And then one day, it just kind of dawned on me, they didn’t ask for this information. And I’m a bit of an over sharer, too. So there, there’s that dynamic as well that I can kind of tend to put out more information than was asked for. The point that I’m making here is you don’t have to explain and describe your dynamic, even if someone does ask. You’re under no obligation to share the intimate details of your life and your family with anyone else. So I will go ahead and climb off of my soapbox now on that particular point and get kind of back to the meat and potatoes of what I want to talk about, which is just how it can be a bit alienating to be in the church and be a blended family. I am part of a number of groups, both in my specific church and in other churches as well, and a couple of them are primarily or completely Moms. I’m in, you know, one mom specific group and a couple other groups where most of us are moms, and I’ve come to realize, especially since my husband and I got married, that it can be isolating. It can be kind of an othering experience, if that makes sense, hearing moms of traditional families talk about their experience and that it, I want to be so clear it is perfectly fine and wonderful and good and healthy for moms of traditional families to talk about their experience. Most moms that are in my circle do have a traditional setup where they are married to their kids father, and they are all under the same roof full time. Obviously, there are a lot more dynamics at play in a family that could be considered traditional or non traditional. But what I am using the term traditional family, I’m specifically referring to mom and dad in the same home, under the same roof with their children full time. That is a very wonderful thing. We need community, and most of the moms, at least in my circle, are in that traditional situation. However, being someone who the vast majority of my motherhood experience has not been in that traditional setting. My son was four months old when I became a single mom, and he has no memory, he will have no memory of his dad and I being together, and I really have no time to have made memories as a traditional family. So I can’t relate to a lot of the things that are talked about when I’m in these circles, and it feels. Feels like no one really notices, and not that it’s other people’s job to cater to me and to change their ways in order to accommodate me and what has happened in my life, I was gonna say my life choices, but for a good number of us who had traditional families and no longer do, it wasn’t our choice. It’s just a very complicated, nuanced thing. But I do think, and I deeply feel it’s something that the church needs to be more aware of. There needs to be an effort to, yes, have God’s idea of a family as the center point, as the ideal. But there also needs to be room made and space created for non traditional families who are still trying and seeking the life that God wants us to live, those of us who are trying to follow God with our whole hearts or flipping according to His plan, but we just either didn’t have the choice to keep our family under one roof, or have made that choice in the past, and now can’t change it, whatever the case may be, there is absolutely an untold number of families out there who are seeking the Lord, but who do not have that traditional Family set up for whatever reason. And there are many, many families that are divorced and that are separated. I don’t know the specific statistics. Of course, you hear kind of the statistic thrown out of 50% of marriages and in divorce. But
11:36
I don’t remember where exactly I heard this. I’ll try to look for the source, and I’ll put it in the show notes. But that statistic, I don’t believe is accurate. I think it was comparing marriages in a given year and divorces in a given year, which obviously is not going to be an accurate portrayal of the numbers, because you’re not getting married and divorced in the same year, unless you’re a Kardashian or, of course, there are circumstances where that happens, but the vast majority of people who get divorced aren’t getting married and divorced in the same year. So whatever the number is, there are many, many families out there who are separated. And so then it stands to reason. And I know of other families in the church. In the church, there are an untold number of families who are blended families, who are non traditional families, who are single moms, single dads, etc. And it is prevalent enough of a circumstance to be in that I do think that the church means to pay a bit more attention and potentially even make more of an effort to consciously acknowledge and consciously validate these families and consciously make sure there is space for these families. My church, I go to a church called Mile city, and they are, it’s, it is an incredible church. I absolutely love it. I did not understand how the church was described in Acts two, until I started going to this church. It has been a very healing place for me. It is wonderful. My kids love it. I love it. My husband and I go there together. We’re deeply involved. It’s just it’s a wonderful, wonderful place, and they place a very large emphasis on planting other churches and even planting churches in other languages. We’ve launched now a Spanish speaking church and a Japanese speaking church, and they are really wonderful about seeing these underserved communities and creating spaces, creating environments where they are welcome and where they are seen and validated, and their specific needs are addressed. And I do think that there needs to be a bit more of that in the church for blended and non traditional families. My point with all of this, there’s not something specific that I think will remedy the situation, or, you know, a specific point of action that I’m calling for here. I just want to bring awareness. So if you are part of a traditional family, and your church talks a lot about traditional families, I would encourage you to be aware of those around you, the families that aren’t traditional. I ask you to make a conscious effort to include them, to validate them, to work around their schedules, to be understanding and ask questions about and try to understand the very unique dynamics that come when you are sharing children with other people, and especially when you’re in a situation where there is a blended family and there are multiple custody schedules and there are multiple expectations and co parenting situations, and things are very, very, very complicated. I would ask that you make an effort to reach out to those around you who aren’t in a traditional situation, try to understand where they’re at and try to ensure that there’s a seat at the table for them if there’s a. Conversation going on in a Bible study that’s talking about Christmas plans and the traditions you have every single year. Maybe ask your friend who’s in a blended family how they’re planning to celebrate and what traditions they have and how they handle it and what their plans are, and make an effort to include them. It may even be worth a conversation to pull someone aside who is in a non traditional family and in a very small environment where they feel safe, ask them how they would prefer to be included. Some people might might not want to talk about their Christmas plan. Some people it might be very upsetting to them to have to talk about the fact that they only get their kid every other holiday, or whatever their specific situation may be. I’m going to use a word here that a lot of Christians really don’t like, especially conservative Christians, and that is privilege. But if we kind of strip away the societal ick that has built up around the word privilege, it is something that’s very important to pay attention to. As a traditional family, you do have a certain amount of privilege. Now this does not in any way, shape or form, mean that other areas of your life or of your dynamic or of your family are not incredibly difficult and are not needing of attention. It just means that in a certain area, you don’t have the same level of struggles if you are not having to share your child with another family every other holiday. That is a certain level of privilege. Again, it does not mean that overall, your life is easier and you have nothing to complain about. It just means that you do compared to other people, have a certain advantage in a certain area. So please try to be aware that as a traditional family, you do have a certain level of privilege, especially in spaces like the church, where the traditional family is seen as the norm as it should be, because it should be the norm. But in reality, things are not always what they should be like we it’s a fallen world. This is Earth. Someday, it’ll be better. Someday, God will recreate the earth and will be with the Lord and all of that. But for now, the ideal is not the norm. The ideal is not what is always reality. So you can use your seat at the table to ensure that other people feel welcome and that there is a seat for them at the table and they are also valid. It can start with a very, very simple conversation, and it could be as easy as when there is a conversation happening about something that is unique to a traditional family, turning to the non traditional family member next to you and asking about their experience or providing a space for them to enter the conversation. And if you yourself are part of a non traditional family, I want you to know that you are seen, you are heard, you are valid. And whatever the path is that brought you to this situation, the church is where you need to be part of the body of Christ is exactly where you need to be. It can be easy to feel left out. It can be easy to just kind of go, alright, well, this just doesn’t apply to me, and almost tune out or check out of the conversation happening in the church, because certain areas don’t apply to you, I want to encourage you to keep showing up, keep being part of the groups, keep being part of the conversation, because you are also setting the precedent and changing the conversation and changing the tone for other non traditional families and beyond that, your family needs you To be in the best possible situation. Your family needs you to have your soul nourished, and God created us to be in fellowship. And whether there is a specific place for non traditional families in your church or not, whether you are surrounded by non traditional families or not, fellowship is absolutely essential to the health of believers. So I want to so strongly encourage you not to give up, make connections with other non traditional families. I had a girl that goes to another campus of my church comment on my Tiktok and suggest creating a group. And I’m going to reach back out to her today and absolutely explore that, because there needs to be community. There needs to be fellowship. And sometimes those finer points, like your family, like being able to relate to each other on the frustrations of a changing custody schedule or co parenting difficulties, sometimes those minute details are what allows there to be the deepest bond and the deepest fellowship. So if that is something that is available to you, I encourage you to seek it out. If it is not available to you, I would encourage you to think about creating a space for non traditional families. If you are part of a traditional family, use your voice and your seat at the table to make sure everyone knows that they have. Room, and they are welcome and they are seen and valued and loved. This is absolutely a complicated conversation, and it’s an unfortunate one. You know, I wish we lived in a world where all families were together and both parents were together, and even both parents were alive. Sometimes there might be an untraditional family because a parent has passed or a child has passed. You know, my husband has been walking down the road of cancer for a number of years now, and we don’t really know what his future is going to look like yet. Last year, when he was diagnosed with the second form of cancer before being done with chemo for the first kind of cancer, we really had to reckon with the idea that we don’t know what our family is going to look like in the future. So there are so many reasons why a family might be non traditional, and that’s yet another reason why I think it is so worth a conversation you might have a traditional family today and not have one tomorrow. So ensuring that there is room for everyone and that conversation is already happening, one because there are so many people already who fit that definition, and two, because you don’t know what the future holds for your family. I want to get the ball rolling on this conversation, so I would love to hear your thoughts. If you are a traditional family. Let me know what you think. Have you even thought of this before? Have you seen anything related to this in your church. What are your thoughts if you are a non traditional family? I absolutely want to hear your experience and any thoughts you may have, any ideas you may have, what you would want to see, because we are also in the position to educate people who can’t relate to our non traditional status as a family. We can’t expect people to learn if there’s no information out there, so I wanted to get the conversation started on this. I would love to hear your thoughts. You can email me at Rachel at Rachel grit.com, I am on Tiktok. At Rachel Grit, I’m on Instagram. At Rachel Grit, I’m on YouTube. At Rachel Grit, so definitely make sure you’re subscribed to the podcast. Go and follow me on the different forms of social media, and I will talk to you in the next one. Bye.
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